2020
I wrote some performance poetry for the first time.
Did you know 2020 would be this way?
I certainly didn’t.
Didn’t even believe it in March.
It’s a weekend thing, this lockdown, I told myself.
Alright, maybe a week.
And then it got dark.
Months and months of staying indoors, social distanced from friends and the even next-doors.
Did you know 2020 would be this way?
I moved away from home the previous year
But it wasn’t tragic
I just didn’t know that six months later I’d find myself in the middle of a global pandemic.
Borders are closed, no more flights for you.
Stay at home and wash your hands
The news was incessant
And so I did just that, cooked and cooked and wiped down surfaces with lots of disinfectant.
I’ve been grateful for technology which lets me video call my parents
There’s been some zoom for work but mainly for virtual birthdays with the smiling faces of friends
Netflix, Whatsapp, Amazon Prime and Sainsbury’s Chop Chop
A problem with any of them and then it’ll really feel like the world might end.
But more than anything, this time has forced me to go on a deep personal journey of self-discovery.
What is important to me, who fills me with love, when do I feel seen?
I feel like my body is now always acutely tuned to these answers, sometimes even when my mind or heart isn’t.
It’s an unmistakeable energy, a vibration I can no longer ignore.
And for that I am thankful so much more.
Such immense gratitude for this system that has grown stronger during this strange time which will get stronger the more I use it, the more I trust it, to protect me and mine.
I don’t want anything in my life that causes even the slightest bit of stress or anxiety.
And yet, there are exceptions even to that which I’m willing to allow.
I’m paying attention to why that is and how it’s possible those moments hold up a mirror to the parts of me that still need some work.
And then I ask myself, “How will I manage this stress?”
How will I let it teach me those lessons without swallowing me whole?
I need to get better at saying I’m sorry, for example.
Why do I struggle with it so much?
Because I feel stupid? Because it makes me look stupid?
Yes, women need to be less apologetic but when you make a mistake, you also need to be a person who can say, “I’m sorry,” like an adult
and mean it
without making excuses
woman or not.
Time has raced past and slowed down.
Why is now so important?
Because, as I remind myself gently and to anyone who will listen — it’s all we have.
I see grocery store workers stock shelves tirelessly lifting heavy loads
And I’m so grateful for their labour that quite literally feeds a country
Overwhelmed doctors, nurses, paramedics and all other hospital staff
Overworked transport workers and underpaid teachers who in the madness that has been this year still keep the world moving
It’s been said before but these are the real heroes
It’s been said before but when the world was falling apart it was art and beauty that helped us keep our sanity
Will future paychecks reflect the social impact of a job or are we just sticking to the number of zeroes?
Who do I worry about, what do I worry about? What are my priorities?
Everything I do, everything I build and create I want moving towards these larger goals.
After a lifetime of judging people for not being proactive in their own lives and as someone who loves pretending they’re in control, this year has shown me how little we really do.
Sweet surrender.
It’s such a relief to allow your life to happen to you and just enjoy it instead of trying to force it into shape.
It is freeing
It is so delicious to relinquish.
Tier 1 Tier 4, I can’t take it anymore.
Someone let me outdoors!
A plane ride, going out for a meal, a hug
All things I’ve wanted
All the things I won’t ever again take for granted.
I have a deeper respect for my body.
For how hard it works, constantly.
I don’t want to take it for granted.
Which means eating consciously, doing yoga regularly.
As much for my body as for my mind.
My improved cooking skills during lockdown have been such a find.
I’m also finally accepting to myself that I’m pretty weird.
And instead of trying to beat it out of me, I’m leaning into it.
Embracing it like another lovely part of me.
Do you know how I know I’m doing better with self-love?
I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and usually where I’d find something to dislike about my face, the size of my nose, the rest of my body, I didn’t.
I felt like I really “saw” me.
Because if I can’t “see” me, how can I expect anyone else to?
I see the imperfections and I love them, I love them because they make me “me”.
I don’t need to be perfect.
Perfect, darlings, is so 2019.
Did you know 2020 would be this way?
I certainly didn’t.
But it’s been everything I’ve needed and if I pause to think about it, that’s how it’s always been — exactly what I need, exactly when I need it.
So this year, no resolutions.
I’m only focusing on waking up each morning and have fun
I will only decide whether I’m happy doing something for me or for someone else.
Which is a balance, like everything else.
